deluminator: my brother just walked in here with a bunch of pancakes and was like ‘wow this is a whole lot of pancakes’ and then he closed his eyes and whispered to himself ‘but i am a whole lot of man’
googlebus: burnblogaboutburnblogs: googlebus: a great man once said “it’s ok having a small penis” *sweats nervously*
j-moriarty: joeshmo: shavingryansprivates: romeo romeo where the fuck is you, romeo Fuck you, the original line in Romeo and Juliet is “Wherefore art thou”. And maybe if you stopped being an assumption-making bag of fucking asshole, you’d know that wherefore does NOT FUCKING MEAN “WHERE”, WHEREFORE MEANS “WHY”. SHE’S ASKING WHY HIS NAME IS ROMEO. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU HARD UP...
puns are like the comic sans of jokes
me: ew the ice cream is melting
my friend: quick put it close to your heart to keep it cold
holy shit guys i think i just found a gif that works with EVERY STATEMENT EVER. seriously, like “dude i just got a promotion and a raise!” “i love bacon so much” “when i close my eyes all i see is the darkness in my soul and the burning flesh of all the children that i have baptized in fire for our lord Satan” it worKS WITH EVERYTHING
hooruss: some-atoms: It’s so weird when people are squeamish about seeing brains because that’s their own brain making a decision that it looks disgusting. Brains don’t like how they look. self conscious brains aww
kissmycatastrophe: buttlicked: You’re bad at grammar? *pats u on shoulder* their, they’re, there. I JUST SPIT MY CEREAL ALL OVER MY COMPUTER
thegayloki: danglingthpider: rabioheab: rabioheab: i hate americans and their stupid fahrenheit temperatures i only made this post in the hopes that someone would reblog it with the caption “don’t fahrenhate” and you’ve all disappointed me greatly don’t be a celsiass its too fahrenlate
breffski: merrycloud: breffski: breffski: do you ever look at someone attractive and just i swear if you fuckers bring this back a 3rd time i will personally thrust venus into ur anus thrust venus into uranus?
i’ve never skydived before but i’ve zoomed in on google maps really fast once
burritwo: adrians: a-creepy-weirdo-has: adrians: I had 3 stitches in my ear today and now my ear is swollen like a balloon I’m not being racist but if you didnt want your ear to swell up you probably shouldn’t have gotten stitches. how is that racist they just said they weren’t being racist do you even listen
How to be classy in three easy steps:
thegirlwholovedcake: fortune—teller: jettnewt: thewanderingtrainer: samwasalmostthegirlonfire: attercopman: themetalgentleman: mortson: di0medes: bambi-bird: Open this tab. Open this tab. Open this tab. I just put on my tophat because i just felt so fucking classy this is a great post This post is so dapper. I feel so dapper. I feel so relaxed i don’t usually...
brain-sh0ts: pierce-the-virgins: ...
phlynn: not only am i not losing my virginity i think im also gaining virginity?
montrealmighteatitsyoung: toastradamus: some BODY ONCE TOLD ME THIS IS ACTUALLY EVEN BETTER BECAUSE AN AXE IS PROBABLY THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
esexist: what if you were holding a puppy and being like “aw whos the cutest wittle puppy in the whole wide world?” it responded in a grown mans voice just like “i am the cutest puppy in the whole wide world”
I think it’s fair enough when people say that grades don’t determine how intelligent you are, but if your only justification for that is how “Einstein didn’t get good grades either”, you’re probably just a whiner who doesn’t want to admit you’re not as smart as you think you are.
khaleesi-of-westeros: FUCK CATS ARE SO WEIRD
andrewhussiesbosom: andrewhussiesbosom: andrewhussiesbosom: oh man my dad found an old book outside his work and when he opened it foreign money fell out of it Im on a search to find out what it is okay so ITS 500 CAMBODIAN RIELS IM SO EXCITED LETS SEE HOW MUCH ITS WORTH IN DOLLARS OH MAN WE MIGHT HAVE MONEY FOR ONCE ITS A WHOPPING 13 CENTS
fergusmacleod13: suklaaaa: bunnyinafez: iwantfitbody: madamedepompador: winchesterwolves: moniker-padacklyte: zillystring: wasereborworthit: mellowminty: pizzaforpresident: petition to rename the usa ‘south canada’ what about alaska are we then normal canada canada a bit to the left What about South America? Is that just America? Or South South Canada? i...
best-of-funny: readalot413: liverpate: azraeldoesnotdispute: liverpate: why am i not a banana Because your genetic code dictates that you are human. However, it should please you to know that you share 50 - 60% of your DNA with a banana. thanks man are you telling me that some people are 10% more banana than other people
gay-nations: I remember on my 4th grade field trip my class was standing on a hill and my teacher said “lets roll out” and I was like oh ok so I stared rolling down the hill and I had to hold my teachers hand for the rest of the day
neurocyte: i can’t believe obama was the first black hokage
vriksaserket: vriksaserket: deodorant might taste really fucking good who knows you selfish pricks just want it all to yourselves dont you well im not falling for it
apatheticghost: today my friend said that he was going to do an impersonation of a gay man and i got ready for some homophobic high pitched comment about clothes but instead he just said in the exact same tone without expression “i am attracted to men”
davidsgraveyard: speedboatfandom: people who open windows when it’s already cold in the car i honestly dont know how you feel with that picture